


Half of Me

by extrasolarish



Series: I Have To Lie...I Have To [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, meanie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 11:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11966001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extrasolarish/pseuds/extrasolarish
Summary: I'm OK...I'm not OK





	Half of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Don't Want to Cry  
> I hope you enjoy!  
> 

 

The sound of the ocean is calming in Wonwoo’s ears. It reminds him of peace and contentment, two things he hadn't felt in… he can’t even think of when. Well that’s not exactly true. If he focuses through the pain and tears, he can remember a time when he looked at the sun. When his life had been bursting with light. 

When he only had to look down at his intertwined hand to smile. 

That was long gone, replaced by a grey horizon that mocked his pain and resentment. He feels like yelling at the sky, screaming for the sun to come back, to return him his heart. But the sun was gone. Forever. It wasn't coming back.

He wasn't coming back. 

No matter how much Wonwoo begged, it wasn't going to change anything. 

He falls back onto the sand, his hands running through the rough texture. His mind brings back a memory of his hand sifting through soft hair and his chest vibrating with a hum and soft snores that had him falling in love again. 

He clenches his hand in the sand and grits his teeth. 

He was OK. 

Nothing would be gained by living through it again. It was all gone, but why did is he finding himself playing it again? 

His head bangs against the sand as he tries not to. It didn't work, it never did anymore, so he lets himself go back to that time when he had been full of life and smiles, when his hands and heart felt warm. The time that had passed.

 

Wonwoo sat down in the seat next to his blond friend, pulling out his earbuds. Soonyoung turned towards him and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him slightly. 

“You missed out this past week, we’ve had some great parties”, he blushed slightly letting Wonwoo go, “I think I met someone”. Wonwoo rolled his eyes, “They would have to be crazy to want to date you”. Soonyoung glared at him but nodded his head in agreement, “Well I do have high standards”. 

Wonwoo shuddered at the memories of the people Soonyoung had previously dated. All meme-loving loud troublemakers, much like Soonyoung who pestered Wonwoo too much for his liking. 

But Soonyoung was waving his finger, “This guy is different”, Wonwoo highly doubted it but he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, “He’s… quiet. He looks like he’s writing poetry in his head, or composing a ballad”. 

Wonwoo was impressed. If someone could make Soonyoung that attentive and poetic, they were probably worth his time. 

“Well, I’ll take a look at him and tell you what I think”.

Soonyoung lit up at that, “So you’ll go to the next party with me?” Wonwoo knew he was going to regret it, but he agreed. “Sure, I’ll go out and spend time with complete strangers who are drunk all for the sake of ‘experiencing the college life’”. 

Soonyoung turned away and was still snorting when the professor walked into the classroom to begin his lecture. 

 

Later that day, Wonwoo was sitting in a quiet coffee shop just off of campus typing on his computer and sipping on a hot chocolate. 

He had tuned out the hushed sounds in the cafe to focus on his writing but something caught his attention and he stopped typing, looking down at the shiny tabletop. There was a strange prickle and warmth tracing across his arm. Someone brushed past his table then the cafe door jingled as a customer left, and Wonwoo stared hard at the black head that was quickly disappearing down the sidewalk. 

When the weekend came, Soonyoung had excitedly told him about a party that a friend was having, and begged Wonwoo to come with him. 

“I did promise didn't I Soonyoung”, Wonwoo had sighed, “I’ll come, you don’t have to look at me like a kicked puppy”. Soonyoung was bouncing around the apartment when Wonwoo’s other roommate, Jun, stuck his head around the corner to tell him to shut up. 

Soonyoung quieted down, and pulled Wonwoo into his room, going straight to his closet and rifling through it.

“Wonwoo, don’t you have anything besides sweaters?” He was holding up two faded sweaters that looked like they had seen better days. Wonwoo took them out of Soonyoung’s hands and carefully placed them back onto his clothes rack. 

“Don’t disrespect my sweaters please. They’ve been through a lot”, he sniffed, “And of course I do”. He pushed Soonyoung aside and pulled out a long t-shirt and black jean jacket. “Is this good enough for you?”

Soonyoung nodded, “Yeah, that’ll look great”. Wonwoo rolled his eyes at the sarcasm that had clearly flown straight over Soonyoung’s head. 

A half hour later they were ready to go. Wonwoo had added a pair of round glasses to his outfit. He liked to wear them sometimes when he went out to places where he was uncomfortable, so he could hide behind them a little bit. 

He listened to Soonyoung ramble about the boy that would be there as they walked to the house this party was being held, and Wonwoo wished he had brought his earbuds with him to drown out Soonyoung’s voice, but he sounded so happy that Wonwoo had to smile fondly at his friend. 

Eventually they were standing outside of a large frat house with music pounding through it and people milling about laughing and talking. 

As they walked up to the door, Wonwoo sighed and braced himself for a night of boredom and avoiding people. Soonyoung yelled something at him as they walked in, but the music was too loud and he had disappeared before Wonwoo could ask him to repeat himself. 

He stared at the crowd of people before him, each person holding a red cup and dancing wildly. Wonwoo shook his head and turned in a circle to locate the kitchen. The kitchen should be a little quieter, he thought. 

He pushed his way though the crowd, getting a few glares and shoves as he stepped on people feet, but eventually he emerged in the kitchen and was able to take a breath. There were a few people in there, but it was manageable compared to the rest of the swarm. He grabbed a cup sitting on the table and took a sip thinking that he might as well have something to take the edge off. All he had to do was wait for Soonyoung to introduce him to the boy, then he could leave. 

He sat there on the kitchen counter for what felt like an eternity before finally hopping down with a sigh. If Soonyoung wasn’t going to show, he was getting out of here, he had homework to do anyway. He made his way to the door into the living room when he stopped. 

There on the other side of the room was a boy. He looked… Wonwoo fought to come up with the right word.

Distressed. Anguished. Tormented. Suffering.

Looking at his broken face made Wonwoo want to cry. As he stared at him, he realized that the boy looked like he was glowing. His skin was tan. His face shone even in his obvious grief. He seemed to light up his surrounding with his warmth. 

A slim boy walked up to the miserable figure, and like nothing had happened, he straightened up and all of the emotion was gone. Wonwoo’s heart broke at how well the boy was able to hide his obvious pain. But as he watched, the beautiful tanned face was lit up with a smile, and he could almost hear laughter echo across the room.

He yelped as someone grabbed him by the shoulder, it was Soonyoung smiling at him mischievously and Wonwoo had to hold back the impulse to whack him over the head. 

“I found him”. Soonyoung was pulling him through the crowd, stopping in a little room just off of the living room. He pushed him down onto a couch across from a short figure who was looking at him impassively. Soonyoung plopped down in between them, nudging Wonwoo with his knee.

“Oh hello”, Wonwoo cringed at his awkward tone, but the short boy waved at him looking equally as awkward.

Soonyoung smiled as he reached over to ruffle the mysterious boy’s hair. He pushed him off and glared at Soonyoung as he fixed his hair. “I’m so glad you two can meet finally”, he gestured to Wonwoo, “Jihoon, this is Wonwoo and Wonwoo this is Jihoon”. 

“Nice to meet you”, Jihoon said softly, but there was a steel to his voice. Wonwoo wasn’t expecting that. Jihoon had seemed soft and sweet, but as he looked closely he could tell there was something beneath the surface that was more… concrete than just a a simple delicate figure. 

Wonwoo echoed the greeting. He was watching Soonyoung out of the corner of his eye, and he could see the adoring way he was gazing at Jihoon. 

Jihoon was trying to act like he didn’t notice, but Wonwoo could see a light blush dusting his cheeks the longer Soonyoung stared. 

The two of them talked for a while about majors and classes, both ignoring Soonyoung who was listening intently. 

Wonwoo liked Jihoon. He was very sure of himself and Wonwoo could tell didn’t put up with any nonsense. Wonwoo looked up at Soonyoung and nodded. He approved. 

Soonyoung grinned and leaned against Jihoon, who flinched back in surprise. “Get off Soonyoung”, he said. Soonyoung shook his head, “Nope, I’m going to sit here and annoy you until you laugh again”. Jihoon stared down at the boy in his lap, the blush now very obvious, which made Soonyoung giggle. 

Wonwoo was looking away in disgust. His best friend was the worst when it came to touching, once he latched on it practically took a crowbar to pry him off.

He looked out of the door and noticed the glowing boy still sitting in the hallway with his head in his hands. 

Jihoon noticed him too, “That’s Mingyu”, he jerked his head away from Soonyoung trying to pinch his cheeks, “He’s friends with my two roommates”.

Wonwoo thought for a second, “Why does he look so sad all of the time”

Jihoon shrugged, “He changed this year, last year he was the happiest guy ever and he had a really nice smile. This year he has a sad aura about him, like he had his heart broken or something.” he squinted at Wonwoo, “But why do you care, do you know him?”

Wonwoo shook his head, “Never mind, forget I said anything”. As he looked more at the boy who now had a name, Mingyu, the slim boy from before knelt next to him shook him slightly.  
Wonwoo couldn’t hear them over the noise of the party, but he could tell the boy was asking if Mingyu was OK. 

MIngyu drowsily lifted his head, but it was wobbling and he looked like he was about to pass out, and he did as Wonwoo watched, falling into the other boy’s arms. Wonwoo was out of his seat in a flash, walking towards the pair. Mingyu was being dragged up by his friend, and Wonwoo blinked in surprise at how strong he was, considering Mingyu was a little taller than even Wonwoo who was considered tall himself. 

When he reached them, Wonwoo grabbed Mingyu’s other arm without saying a word, and the other boy looked at him gratefully. 

“Thanks, he’s heavier than he looks”. He had a lilting voice that oddly reminded him of Jun and a nice smile. 

Wonwoo nodded back, “No problem, you looked like you could use the help”.

The boy snorted and stuck out his hand awkwardly under Mingyu, “I’m Minghao by the way. I’m this idiot’s best friend”. 

They shook hands, “Wonwoo. I’m friends with Soonyoung who’s trying to seduce Jihoon over there”.

Minghao glanced over at the couch and snorted, “Oh yeah, he’s been trying for the past week. Good luck to him”. Wonwoo agreed, “Jihoon doesn’t seem like the warmest person ever…”  
Minghao nodded, “He’s better when you get to know him”.

They were brought back to the problem at hand when Mingyu slipped down between them. Wonwoo grunted as the deadweight shifted. “Alright Minghao, where are we taking him”.  
They dragged him through the crowd. “His apartment’s not too far away”, he said through gritted teeth, “This is the third time he’s done this in the past few weeks, and I’m getting a little worried about him”. 

When they got outside a silence fell over them as they focused on not dropping the tall boy on the hard concrete. 

After what seemed like forever to Wonwoo, they arrived in front of a small apartment complex. “Should we call his roommate?” Wonwoo asked. Minghao shook his head, “He doesn’t have one. That’s part of the reason I’m worried, he’s always alone at home”. They got him into the stairwell and pulled him to the third floor at the top of the building. 

Minghao sifted though Mingyu’s pockets and left Wonwoo leaning against the wall in front of what he guessed was Mingyu’s front door. Now that he was up close, Wonwoo could feel the warmth seeping out of the boys tan skin. 

He was beautiful. 

As he looked, Mingyu’s face twisted in pain and he let out a series of wracking coughs. He was struggling to take in breaths, and his throat sounded rough and raw. Wonwoo reached around to pound his back gently, and the coughs gradually subsided as he slumped back against Wonwoo. 

He was jolted back to reality by Minghao taking back his half of the weight and they pulled him through the door. They made their way into a bedroom, and practically threw Mingyu onto the bed. 

The two boys sat heavily on the floor, panting and trying to get their breath back. Minghao lifted a finger and after a second of hard breathing, he managed to get out a tired ‘thanks’ before he got up and went back to the kitchen, where Wonwoo could hear the sink running. 

He was about to get up as well when he heard a soft mumble. 

Leaning closer he heard a pained “I don’t want to go, don’t make me go”. 

He jerked back and stared at MIngyu. What did he mean by that? He reached a hand out and pushed the black hair off of the tan boy’s forehead. His voice hadn't been more than a whimper, but Wonwoo liked the sound, even if his heart did squeeze painfully because of it. 

He turned and left the room with a long stare back at the figure slumped on the bed.  
He waved goodbye to Minghao and made his way out. When he got back to the street, he stared up at the stars, blinking slowly. He wanted to hear that voice again, to hear it at full strength and not filled with so much sadness. Wonwoo shook his head and started back home. This was the last thing he needed, feelings. 

Soonyoung was waiting for him at their apartment, and as Wonwoo got ready for bed, he was regaled with everything that had happened with Jihoon and the plans they had made for the weekend. Wonwoo was glad Soonyoung had found someone who could make him sound this happy, but at the moment he wanted to be alone in silence and his own thoughts. He needed to work through some things.

Wonwoo got dragged to Soonyoung and Jihoon’s ‘date’ that weekend. He was basically ignored as the two were talking intently, Soonyoung back on his mission to make Jihoon laugh and Jihoon was trying his best not to. 

Wonwoo knew he wouldn’t last very long. Soonyoung was hilarious and he could already see the corners of Jihoon’s mouth twitching. As he looked out of the big storefront window, he saw a familiar slim body. He waved at Minghao and Minghao smiled when he saw him. He was with another boy who was looking curiously at Wonwoo, his mouth looking like it had never been without a smile gracing it. Wonwoo also saw a dark head poking above the two of them. He swallowed thickly and looked down at the table.

The group of friends burst into the cafe and sat down at their table. There were exclamation of surprise and winks shared as the friends commented at Jihoon being on a date. Wonwoo tried to make himself as small as possible, while at the same time sneaking glances at Mingyu who actually looked happy this time. There wasn't a trace of sadness on his face like the last time Wonwoo had seen him.

As if he could feel eyes on him, Mingyu turned and looked straight at Wonwoo, confusion on his face. Wonwoo wanted to look away, he really did, but he couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from the shining face. Mingyu offered up a smile, and Wonwoo smiled shyly back. 

Jihoon was introducing everyone to Soonyoung. “And this is Seokmin, probably one of the biggest idiots you’ll ever meet, but I guess he’s my idiot so oh well”, he was sighing, but Wonwoo could see the affection in his eyes. Jihoon’s roommate was talking loudly to Soonyoung, and Wonwoo could tell an annoying friendship was developing. He could imagine all of the headaches he would be getting because of the two of them. 

He felt someone sit next to him, and he looked over to see Mingyu leaning back in the chair. 

“Hi there”, Mingyu’s voice was soft, hesitant. It was everything Wonwoo had imagined it to be. He sounded innocent and happy, his voice was strong and wrapped Wonwoo up with it’s warmth. Wonwoo could just sit here and listen to it all day, but he realized that he should introduce himself properly.

“Hi, I’m Wonwoo”, he nodded, “And you’re Mingyu”. 

Mingyu blinked and opened his mouth, he looked at Wonwoo for a second, “How did you know that?”. Wonwoo was grinning now. “I was at that party last week, you were passed out so I helped Minghao drag you home”, he gestured towards Minghao, “You’re heavy, so a thank you would be nice”. 

Mingyu choked out a laugh, but then started coughing at the sudden intake of breath. It took him a second to recover and Wonwoo awkwardly patted his back not sure what to do but Mingyu waved his hand away.

“I’m sorry about that, but thank you”, he said when he his coughs had stopped and he looked curiously at Wonwoo, “Why would you take a stranger home though, you’re not a pervert are you?”, he crossed his arms over his chest with a look of mock distress on his face. 

Wonwoo blushed. He had helped because he had been curious about Mingyu from the second he had seen him, but he wasn't about to say that out loud. 

“I’m just a really nice person I guess”, was his reply. 

MIngyu shrugged but accepted it. The rest of the time at the cafe were filled with loud laughs and bad jokes. Wonwoo spent most of it sitting back in his chair observing, his nose crinkling up whenever Soonyoung and Seokmin made a bad joke. He kept finding his eyes landing on Mingyu, but every time it happened, he cleared his throat and tried to look past his face that was now etched onto Wonwoo’s eyes. 

He noticed the way Mingyu would occasionally smile sadly at the group of friends on his own. He gave them the same look as he had at the party when Wonwoo had first found him. Wonwoo wanted to know what it meant, but he didn’t ask.

It was getting dark now, and the group of new friends started to get up. Soonyoung had casually told Wonwoo that he would see him at home, and threw an arm over Jihoon’s shoulders. As they walked away, Wonwoo realized he was now alone with a group of rowdy guys he barely knew. He raised a hand to say goodbye and escape when Mingyu grabbed his arm, 

“I’ll walk you home if you want”. 

Wonwoo started at this. That was the last thing he had expected to happen. “It’s ok, you don't have to”. But Mingyu wasn’t about to take no for an answer, and he dragged Wonwoo down the sidewalk. He told Wonwoo he would just keep walking around unless he told him where he lived. 

Wonwoo sighed and started to lead the way. He barely acknowledged the fact that Mingyu’s hand had slipped down to his wrist, not quite in his own palm, but comfortably warm on his skin. It felt so right and easy he didn’t say anything about it. 

They arrived at his apartment and Mingyu let go of Wonwoo’s wrist. Wonwoo almost reached back out to take his hand back, but caught himself just in time.

“Here we are”, he said stiffly, “Thanks for taking me home”. Mingyu smiled, “It was the least I could do to repay you for having to take my sorry butt home after the party”. Wonwoo smiled and turned to go inside, but Mingyu’s voice stopped him.

“Can we… meet up again soon?” Wonwoo looked back at him, “I guess”, he was confused at this, “You really want to hang out with me?” 

Not many people voluntarily sought out Wonwoo’s company. It wasn't that he was repulsive, grossly antisocial, or anything along those lines, though he had to admit, he could be a bit cold sometimes and had been told on too many occasions that he wasn't very likable. 

He just took a while to get comfortable with people, and only a few had stuck around long enough for that to happen. 

Mingyu flushed, “I mean, you’re nice so why not?” Wonwoo was staring at him, and Mingyu’s red face was only getting redder. 

“Never mind”, he said softly, “If you don’t want to I understand”. He was turning on his heel to walk away, but Wonwoo caught his arm. “No, that’s not what I meant”, he said apologetically when he had found his voice, “I’m just not used to this”.

Mingyu smiled at him. Wonwoo hated it when he did that. It made it all the more difficult to process his thoughts. Maybe, just maybe… he shouldn't be trying so hard to keep the bright figure out of his head and out of his dreams. Maybe he would let himself get closer to it. 

They agreed to meet up soon, and Wonwoo went into his apartment with a light heart and a tingling wrist. 

He didn’t expect Mingyu to keep his promise, but a few days later he had knocked on Wonwoo’s front door out of the blue, and asked him to go out somewhere with him. They had spent the day walking around the city, glancing at each other every now and then. 

This continued for weeks. Wonwoo found himself slowly falling. He was falling for the bright smile, the blinding light that Mingyu gave his world. He felt warm when he was around MIngyu, he could be himself. He thought that Mingyu felt the same. 

He could feel it. 

Wonwoo sensed it when Mingyu softly touched his arm, when he looked at Wonwoo fondly, making his heart jump. He even came to love the way Mingyu would look sad when no one was looking at him. It happened at the oddest times, when they were laughing together, talking about nothing, making dinner, going out with friends, or just sitting together in silence on the couch. 

Wonwoo still wasn’t sure what he was thinking about when it happened, but he accepted it as part of Mingyu. 

They were quietly building something together. Wonwoo didn't let him think about it too much at first, in case it toppled over and crushed him, but as time went by he started to dream about what they were. Much more than friends. His heart was full of the richness that was Mingyu, and he seemed to be at home there. 

He accidentally let his feelings spill out one day.

He was sitting across Mingyu, observing his face as he stared out of the window to his left happily. His hand was comfortably in Wonwoo’s, softly brushing his knuckles. Wonwoo tapped the tabletop gently.  
“What are we?”, the word came out unexpectedly. He felt Mingyu freeze, his fingers stopping over Wonwoo’s warm skin. 

As he turned towards him, his hand pulled away and Wonwoo immediately missed the pleasant feeling. 

Mingyu opened his mouth, but nothing came out at first, “I’m not sure”, he finally managed, “What do you mean?”. 

Wonwoo tilted his head to the right, confused. “I mean, where are we going with this?”, how did Mingyu not get it? Mingyu stared at him, and Wonwoo was startled to see fear welling up in his eyes. His heart was pounding now, shocked at the sudden turn of events. 

Mingyu stood up suddenly, “I have to go”, he choked out. Mingyu shook off the hand Wonwoo had put on him and strode towards the door, hiding the tears that had started to fall down his face. By the time Wonwoo got out of the door, MIngyu had disappeared. His heart was still in his throat, and he had the sinking feeling that he was about to lose something he had worked so hard to let himself have. He had gotten attached to someone, and what he had always feared was happening. 

The light was starting to fade. And he tried to convince himself, he didn’t miss him. 

The next week was a jumble of anxious waiting and telling himself countless times to stop thinking about it too much. But as the days blurred together, there was no word, no text, nothing. Wonwoo even went so far as to go with Soonyoung to a few parties, carefully making his way through crowds with his nose scrunched at the smells looking for a particular black head.

Soonyoung had noticed what was happening, but when he asked Jihoon where the boy was, he just shrugged and replied that he hadn’t seen Mingyu in a few weeks now. Wonwoo finally broke down and texted him, but there was never any response. He started to wonder if he had imagined it all. It would be just like his heart to create a beautiful figure that shined bright as Wonwoo’s own personal constellation. 

The confirmation that it wasn't a dream came a month later in a little bookstore just off of campus. Wonwoo was sitting curled up on the floor in a corner reading a large tome about some boring subject for one of his classes. He heard a gasping breath followed by loud coughing and a thud just a few feet away from him. He jumped, looking over to the noise. 

The book tumbled out of his hands when he realized who it was. Mingyu was standing over him frozen in the air as he reached for the encyclopedia he had dropped. His mouth was open, cheeks red with exertion and he was staring at Wonwoo. Suddenly, he straightened up, leaving the book on the floor making his way quickly to the door. 

Wonwoo practically bounded after him, calling his name. Mingyu didn’t acknowledge him, and only when Wonwoo grabbed his arm to spin him around did he react. He jerked away as if Wonwoo had burned him. When he saw the reaction Wonwoo backed away. He cleared his throat awkwardly, not sure what to say. He watched Mingyu squint at the ground, and he could see his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed over and over again. 

Wonwoo took the initiative. “Why are you ignoring me”, he burst out. MIngyu looked at him slowly, not replying. Wonwoo was fed up with this, “Why did you say all of those things and then just… leave?”

Mingyu let out a strangled laugh, “Because, I don’t deserve…”, he stopped, shaking. “I did something I shouldn't have”, he finally strained to breathe out. “I shouldn’t have done it, I knew what would happen and I thought I could deal with it. I was wrong.”

He turned and walked down the sidewalk. Wonwoo stood there, not going after him. He was done doing that. His eyes pricked with all of the feelings he was keeping locked up tightly in his heart. He pushed them down once again. He didn’t need them.

He was OK.

The next few weeks passed by without him being aware what happened in them. Soonyoung kept dragging him out, and he got sympathetic looks from Jun and Jihoon. Even though Jun had never met Mingyu, he had listened to Wonwoo and offered a comforting hug when he had spilled all of his fears and feelings. He had even seen Minghao once, who had given him a sad smile. Wonwoo had just given a curt nod and continued walking. 

As time went past, he started to get ahold of his life again. By the time the semester ended and the school went on break, he was almost back to his… well not his overly joyful self, but his content and good humored self. 

He had repeated the mantra “I’m OK” so much that he was starting to believe it. 

Soonyoung was lugging his suitcase towards the front door. “Jihoon and I are going to go camping for a week or so”, he laughed. Wonwoo smiled, “Just don’t get eaten by a bear”. Soonyoung scoffed, “I’m not that incompetent at outdoor things. We’ll survive”. 

Wonwoo didn’t believe it, but he just wished them luck as they went out the door. 

When they had, he was left all alone. Jun had gone home for break so now he was the only one in the apartment. The stillness was strange and slightly calming. But as the days went by he felt the need to get out and do something. His head was getting dark, and his thoughts were stifling him so he decided to go to the library and read for a while. 

The books were familiar and he could sense the smile creeping it’s way onto his face. The hours slipped away, and it was late into the night when he finally looked at the clock. He sat upright and started to put the books back on the shelves as he could finally feel his stomach nagging him for food. He walked out into the cool night, stepping down the sidewalk towards home. He was humming softly when he heard it. 

A soft voice. 

He stopped.

It was saying his name. 

He whirled around, looking for the source of the voice. There was someone sitting against a tree near his apartment, barely holding themselves up. He crept carefully towards the figure, bending down. 

As he got closer he swallowed hard. He knew that voice, that build. Mingyu was breathing his name out, his eyes closed and the smell of alcohol bleeding off of him. Wonwoo reached out a hand to caress the tan face, Mingyu leaning into it and his eyes opened watery and red, 

“I must have done something to deserve such a good dream”, his voice was raspy and rough with emotion, “I wish I could actually tell you how sorry I am”, the tears were flowing freely now and Wonwoo was speechless, 

“I miss you so much, I miss you so much my heart feels like it’s finally about to rip apart and leave me gasping on the floor”. 

His hand reached out to mirror Wonwoo’s on his face, his finger leaving sparks wherever they touched Wonwoo’s warm skin. His eyes closed with a contented smile on his face. 

Wonwoo didn't hesitate to put an arm around Mingyu and help him stand up, the taller boy groaning in protest. He pulled Mingyu towards his apartment, and gently placed him on the couch with a blanket over him. 

Mingyu shifted where he was laying, and Wonwoo indulged himself a smile down at the figure that looked so small at the moment, all wrapped up on his couch. 

He pulled out his phone and called Minghao, but it went straight to voicemail so Wonwoo left him a message telling him what had happened. He realized that he wasn’t sure if Minghao was even around for the break, or if Mingyu was still living by himself at the moment. 

He wandered around his apartment for a while not sure what to do with himself, but when it became impossible to keep his eyes open he collapsed into bed, and half hoped that when he woke up all of this would be a dream. 

His eyes snapped open the next morning, the events that happened last night slapping him into reality. He scrambled out of his room and checked his couch, but there was no one on it. HIs blanket was folded on the arm, where he usually put it, and he found himself grossly disappointed that there was no one lying there, with feet stretched out over the end and hair strewn across their face. 

He froze when he heard a click behind him. He pivoted, his foot dragging across the floor, but he caught himself against the wall to stop his fall. The door to his bathroom had opened and a golden figure walked awkwardly out, not looking at him. 

He could hear Mingyu mumbling to him, apologizing and walking quickly towards the door to put on his shoes. 

Wonwoo wasn't going to lose him this time, not when his heart had finally decided what it wanted. He grabbed Mingyu’s arm and pushed him into the kitchen telling him to sit down,

“You’re going to sit here quietly while I make breakfast. I don’t care what you say”, Wonwoo’s voice was steely, and he knew Mingyu couldn't argue. 

They spent the time Wonwoo was making breakfast in silence, but it wasn’t awkward. Wonwoo’s heart was lighter than it had been in a while. All he had to do was turn his head and he could see him. He could see the man who he couldn't get out of his head since he met him. Wonwoo was sure his face was shining with happiness. 

When he had finished, he set the plate of eggs in front of Mingyu, and smiled reassuringly when he looked up at him, his eyes asking if this was OK. 

Mingyu only hesitated a second before he began to eat, clearing his plate in the blink of an eye. 

Wonwoo snorted, “So are you really hungover this morning?”. Mingyu nodded, having the decency to look slightly ashamed of himself. Wonwoo got up and went to the cabinet pulling out a few bottles and filling a cup up with water, 

“This is my special regimen when Soonyoung does this, and it works pretty well”.

He handed Mingyu the pills and water, and the boy downed them with a grimace. “Thanks”, he said, still not looking up at Wonwoo. 

Wonwoo sighed and started to clear the dishes. A soft voice sounded behind him, 

“Did I… say some things last night?”

Wonwoo looked up, not stopping. He nodded, clearing his throat, “You said some things that I wasn’t expecting to hear from you, yes”. Mingyu groaned and rubbed his face, “I’m sorry, I promised myself…”, but then he snapped his mouth shut. Wonwoo pursed his lips. There was always something that Mingyu never told him, and he wanted to know, but if he wouldn't then Wonwoo would accept it. 

“It’s alright, I don’t mind”, and Wonwoo found that he really didn’t. 

He looked away, “I actually wanted you to say those things, I wanted you to come back”, his eyes were watering, 

“I missed you too”, he finally whispered. 

He watched his tears drip to the floor, turning away. He didn’t hear the footsteps behind him, but felt the warm hands on his face. The warmth was on his lips now too. He reached out a hand, catching Mingyu’s face in front of him, his hands running though his hair. 

The kiss felt desperate, like Mingyu was trying to hold himself back and yet giving in to something at the same time. 

When he finally pulled away, Wonwoo gasped. Mingyu pressed the back of his hand to his mouth, his eyes closed and his face wet. His shoulders were shaking, breaths hiccuping out of him. Wonwoo surged forward and wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy. He wasn't sure why Mingyu was crying, but he did his best to comfort him. 

Mingyu melted into him, his sobs tapering off, and he sniffled into Wonwoo’s neck. They stayed like that for a while, each scared what would happen if they broke the moment. Mingyu forced himself out of Wonwoo’s embrace and peeked up at his face. He looked like something had been lifted off of him and happier than Wonwoo had ever seen him. 

Mingyu smiled, a grand smile that had Wonwoo beaming as well. 

Mingyu’s voice came bubbling up, “I’ve decided to be selfish”, his voice was steadier now, 

“I’m going to let myself feel all of the things about you that I tried not to”. 

Wonwoo didn’t know what he meant, but the words he said were giving the sun in his chest that had almost turned cold new life. The light was flickering now, and he embraced the new feeling of it. Suddenly Mingyu was kissing him again, and Wonwoo gripped him tightly deciding not to let him go this time. 

Mingyu decided not to go back to his empty house, and when Soonyoung and Jihoon arrived back home a few days later they both almost choked at the sight of the two boys laying on the couch, comfortably in each others arms. 

Mingyu looked at them, blushing. He got up quickly, telling Wonwoo he would see him later and slipping out of the door. Jihoon and Soonyoung were still looking at him, jaws on the floor. Wonwoo shifted uncomfortably in front of them, asking how the trip was. Jihoon was the first to recover, “It was great, Soonyoung almost drowned once, but that was it, so all in all a success”. 

He pushed Soonyoung out of the way and placed his bag in said boys room, telling his still shocked boyfriend he was going to make some food. Soonyoung waved a hand dismissively, sitting across the couch from Wonwoo and poked his shoulder. 

“What happened while we were gone”, his voice was low and incredulous. Wonwoo smiled and told him the story of how he found Mingyu drunk outside the apartment and what he had said, what he had confessed to Wonwoo. 

Soonyoung nodded, but his eyes were angry, “If he breaks your heart a second time I swear there won’t be a single place he’ll be able to hide from me”. Wonwoo understood, but he reassured his friend, “I agreed to this as well, don’t forget. I’ll be the first in line to punch his perfect face if he does it again”, he laughed. Soonyoung nodded firmly, and he looked satisfied with the reply. 

When Jihoon came back Wonwoo asked if Minghao was still in town over break. Jihoon said that he wasn’t, and Wonwoo went quiet. He wondered how many nights that Mingyu had gone out on his own to drink, trying to dull the pain he had obviously been in. He shook his head to dispel the thoughts. He would be there now, he would be there to hold Mingyu and comfort him as well as he could. The sun would shine again for him. 

 

They began fixing and rebuilding whatever it was that they had abandoned so long ago. It was a slow process, and there were days when Wonwoo felt like Mingyu was slipping away again. He would catch Mingyu with that pained look on his face, staring out of a window, or off into the distance, and sometimes at Wonwoo. When it happened, Wonwoo did his best to distract Mingyu and he would look at Wonwoo with a sad smile, coming back into himself. 

Wonwoo had pressed Mingyu several times to try and figure out what was going on during these episodes but Mingyu refused to talk about it. After, Mingyu would always hold Wonwoo tightly and reassure him in a quiet voice how much he loved him. Wonwoo still felt as if Mingyu was keeping himself at a distance, as if he was afraid to get close to Wonwoo, so he was always the first to reach out a hand and touch to let Mingyu know he wasn’t about to go anywhere. 

Their relationship was a slow ballad that flowed along skin and into souls, soothing a broken heart and comforting torment that was found there  
.  
Time passed and they gradually began to believe in soulmates. Wonwoo had found his other half in Mingyu, the half of him that had always been missing even if he had never realized it. He knew Mingyu felt the same, he could always tell what Mingyu was feeling through his fingers when he reached out to hold Wonwoo, and it made him light up inside giving fuel to the sun he loved. 

Wonwoo had decided to put his feelings into a physical expression to give to Mingyu. He wanted Mingyu to have something solid to hold onto when he couldn’t control the feelings that Wonwoo saw well up in him as he tried to fight them off. 

“What are you doing?”, Mingyu said amused when Wonwoo had grabbed onto his hand tightly, lifting it up. He gently placed something into Mingyu’s hand and curled his fingers over it. 

Mingyu pulled back and looked at his hand curiously, opening his palm. 

Wonwoo watched as the boy started to smile brightly at the object he held. It was a silver ring on a chain. Wonwoo reached into his shirt and pulled out a matching one from beneath. 

“So that you can always have me close”, he said shyly, “So that you won’t feel alone”. 

Mingyu clasped the chain around his neck then cupped Wonwoo’s face in his hands, the silver glinting against his tan skin. “It’s beautiful”, he breathed “Thank you”. Wonwoo was startled to see tears starting to leak out of the corners of his eyes and he pulled Mingyu into his chest, his hand smoothing though the boys hair. 

Mingyu never took the necklace off, and Wonwoo felt his heart soar whenever he saw him wearing it, or whenever he touched his own placed on his chest. He was hopelessly entangled with Mingyu but he didn’t care, his heart had made up it’s mind and there was no going back. 

They had found their rhythm as a couple and they were rarely out of step with each other. 

Their friends were always amazed at how the two could seem to read the other’s mind, and they worked seamlessly together, like the halves that they were who had found their compliment.

The sun was blazing down on Wonwoo, and he drank it in. 

 

Jun sat heavily on the couch next to Wonwoo, laying his head on his lap and sighing heavily, “Has he asked about me recently?”. Jun was talking about Minghao, who he had apparently met somewhere on campus, and was excited when he found out that he was Mingyu’s best friend. He had been keeping his little crush secret for a while, but had finally broken down and asked Wonwoo for his help to ask Minghao out. 

Wonwoo considered it, “He sometimes asks how my roommates are, but I never know which one he’s talking about”, he cracked a smile at Jun’s groan, “But of course it’s you, he’s always staring at you when we all hang out”.

Jun shot up, “What? Why have you never told me this?”, Wonwoo widened his eyes at the sudden outburst, “I thought you knew, he doesn’t hide it very well”. Jun considered this, “I think the time has come”, he said “It’s time to ask him out”. 

Wonwoo pushed him off his lap standing up, “Let me know how it goes”, he smiled, “You guys are cute together”. He went into his room and grabbed some clothes out of his closet, throwing them over his head and yelling at Jun to hurry up.  
They were going to meet up with the others at a nearby coffee shop, and he didn’t want to be late. 

Soonyoung and Jihoon were waiting for them few blocks away, Seokmin in tow. Mingyu and Minghao were sitting at a table already when they arrived. The level of sound rose considerably when the friends all got together and the other patrons gave them dirty looks, which they always ignored. 

Wonwoo pecked Mingyu on the cheek and sat next to him at the table, but then eyed the other boy a little startled. 

He looked pale in the soft light of the cafe, and there were beads of sweat on his brow. He brushed his hair off Mingyu’s forehead and gave him concerned frown. Mingyu smiled tightly at him, giving Wonwoo a silent reassurance. 

Wonwoo kept frowning, something not settling in his heart, and he stroked Mingyu’s arm whenever he turned away cough gently. Even with all of this, he tried to enjoy their time together. They laughed together and joked around with the ease of best friends.

Soonyoung had finally found the trick to making Jihoon smile and giggle at his jokes, which he did at any chance he could. Wonwoo was always amazed at how Jihoon changed when he was around Soonyoung. His cold exterior melted away and he became warm and more than happy to touch Soonyoung, brushing his arm or hair wherever he could reach. 

He watched as Jun and Minghao kept glancing at each other shyly and inwardly groaned at their awkwardness. They were perfect for each other and all they needed was to start talking about their feelings, but they had yet to gather up the courage to do that. 

Eventually the group wound down as coffee and hot chocolate was finished, the staff of the cafe breathing a sigh of relief as the group got up to leave. Wonwoo snickered when he saw Jun ask quietly if he and Minghao could go talk somewhere later. He pulled on Mingyu’s arm and pointed out what was happening, to which Mingyu softly smiled, “It’s about time”, he laughed,

“Minghao won’t shut up about Jun, but you know how much he hates talking about what he feels”. Wonwoo agreed, it was the one thing Minghao was bad at, but he could tell the two of them would be alright as he watched them walk off into the night. 

Jihoon and Soonyoung said a short goodbye, as did Seokmin and soon Wonwoo and Mingyu were walking alone down the street. 

Mingyu slipped his hand into Wonwoo’s and held it tightly, as if he were afraid Wonwoo would run away leaving him alone. Wonwoo was unfortunately used to this, and he leaned against Mingyu as a silent promise that he wouldn’t. They made their way to the river walkway downtown and stopped at the railing leaning over to look at the slowly flowing water without any starlight shining off of it because of the dark clouds moving above them.

They had left the coffee shop late, so there was practically no one around and they talked quietly, simply filling up the silence. Wonwoo didn’t miss the way Mingyu’s voice was getting rougher, and the way he seemed to be having trouble catching his breath after he said something. 

Wonwoo was concerned when he stopped in the middle of his sentence, and turned to catch Mingyu’s face in his hand, stroking his cheek gently. 

“Are you alright Mingyu”, he asked concerned, “You’re really pale and can barely talk”. He tried to give his voice a light tone, but his worry broke though. 

Mingyu was panting slightly now, and Wonwoo went from worried to alarmed when he slumped against Wonwoo’s chest. 

Wonwoo couldn’t hold the sudden weight in his arms and he sank to the hard concrete while calling out Mingyu’s name, his voice filled with dread as the boy started coughing and wheezing, clutching onto Wonwoo’s arm. He sagged onto Wonwoo’s lap as the coughs tapered off, but he was still breathing heavily. 

Mingyu stared up at Wonwoo adoringly as he tried to regain his breath, “You’re so beautiful, did you know that?” he asked his voice rough from the sudden outburst of coughing. Wonwoo smoothed down his mussed hair and laughed his voice high from panic, 

“Why are you talking about this right now, we need to get you back home”. 

Mingyu grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers, “This was always where we were going, wasn’t it Wonwoo”, 

Wonwoo heard the tears in his voice, and the look was back. The look that Wonwoo had first seen on his face all that time ago, his face was a picture of pure distress and heartbreak. 

“Where are we Mingyu”, he said, terrified of the answer, “Where were we always going?” 

MIngyu smiled sadly, “I’m sorry Wonwoo” his voice was strained as he tried to keep his breathing even, “I was selfish, that’s why I tried to keep myself away from you, I knew what would happen in the end. I didn’t want to do this to you”. He was coughing again, and he was struggling to keep his eyes open. 

Wonwoo shook him, his hands running over his body as he tried to calm MIngyu. His hand felt damp, and as he brought it up, he could see red covering his fingers. He looked down and saw the same red covering Mingyu’s lips and chest as he coughed. 

“No Mingyu, you’re wrong”, he bent over and pressed kisses over his face, “It’s OK, you’re OK”. Mingyu looked up at the black sky, 

“I had hoped there would be stars”, he murmured, his grip on Wonwoo’s hand starting to loosen and his eyes glassy. 

Wonwoo called his name but got no response. His voice was hysterical, and he looked up screaming for someone, anyone to help him. 

There was a couple in the distance, and they came running when he cried out. One of them pulled out a cellphone and started to call an ambulance. 

Wonwoo held Mingyu in his arms and sobbed into his chest. He couldn’t lose him, not again.

The paramedics arrived and started to bundle Mingyu up on a stretcher pushing up into the ambulance, hands working fast with chest compressions and hooking him up to machines. Wonwoo followed them and sat on the bench in the inside, his stomach was a mess of confusion and fear. 

One of the paramedics shook him on the shoulder and asked him something but Wonwoo just stared at him, what was he saying?

“Does your friend have any illnesses or conditions that could have caused this?”, the man asked urgently. 

Wonwoo was still staring at him, shaking his head, “I’m not sure, I didn’t think so”. The man pulled away and went back to Mingyu. Wonwoo felt tears streaming down his face, and all he wanted to do was grab the hand that was hanging limply off the stretcher. Mingyu was laying there motionless, and Mingyu could see the paramedics trying to keep him breathing, to keep him alive. 

The ride to the hospital took both an eternity and a blink of an eye. When they arrived, Wonwoo was pushed to the side, and Mingyu rushed into the building by nurses and doctors who immediately started tending to him. 

Wonwoo was running after the stretcher trying to catch up, but when they disappeared through a set of heavy doors, one of the nurses grabbed him and held him back. Wonwoo could hear himself sobbing and screaming for Mingyu, but he didn’t care. 

He couldn’t let Mingyu be alone, he needed Wonwoo. 

The nurse’s voice was soothing in his ear, telling him that the doctors would take care of him, he didn't need to worry. 

Wonwoo sunk to the ground, his mind blank. He pulled out his phone and tapped mindlessly, calling Minghao. When he answered Wonwoo told him in a broken voice what was happening. How Mingyu had collapsed, and how he wasn't breathing. 

Minghao was silent for a second, then he quietly asked where Wonwoo was, and told him he would be there in a second. 

He found himself sitting on a hard chair when Minghao arrived, asking questions. Wonwoo couldn’t answer, so he settled for just clasping his hand tightly. 

He looked up when he heard footsteps making their way towards the pair. He focused on the face of the doctor. It was set in a grim look, pity apparent in his eyes, and Wonwoo felt his heart stop, turning to ice. The doctor stopped in front of them, and started to speak. Wonwoo listened and he felt his heart slowly breaking into a thousand pieces at his words. 

Mingyu had died.

He was gone.

He had left Wonwoo.

The sun had burned out. 

He barely heard the rest of his explanation, but Mingyu had had a terminal genetic condition, one that caused weakness of the lungs and difficulty breathing. It was something he had since birth the doctor told them, and it hadn’t been curable. 

He was sure Minghao’s hand was breaking from how hard he held it, but he couldn't seem to get himself to move, afraid that if he moved it would confirm this wasn't a dream, that this was reality. The doctor had stopped talking and stood there awkwardly, asking if there was anything he could do. 

Minghao answered in a subdued voice that they didn’t. The doctor nodded and turned away, but spun back around a second later. 

“By the way, which one of you is Wonwoo?”, Wonwoo jerked his head up, and made a tired sound of acknowledgment. The doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of crumpled paper.  
“He woke up for a little bit at the end”, he cleared his throat, “He told me there was a note in his pocket, and that it needed to go to Wonwoo”. 

Wonwoo held the worn paper in his hand and thanked the doctor. Wonwoo looked down at it as his steps faded away. His name was written on the front of it and he could see a dried splotch of ink where a single tear had stained the paper. Mingyu had known what was going to happen that night, and he had been prepared for it.

He couldn’t read the letter now, not yet. 

 

The next months were black, colorless. Wonwoo had organized Mingyu’s funeral, as he learned that Mingyu didn’t have any family. That single fact landed another blow on Wonwoo’s already shattered heart. He had been all the other boy had in the world. 

He listened to people try to comfort him, and he learned to smile even though his face felt like it would never be able to do it genuinely again. He listened to all of the stories about Mingyu from friends and classmates, how this had been such a surprise. 

Wonwoo naturally retreated into himself, ignoring the outside world preferring to instead shut everything down and shut everyone out. Soonyoung and Jun decided to leave him alone to try and process what had happened. His chest was empty. His sun had left him, what was there left for him? 

Wonwoo always felt numb and cold, and no matter what he did he couldn’t get warm.

 

He eventually got up the courage to open the letter, slitting it open with shaking hands and trembling lips. He looked up at the ceiling taking deep breaths and bracing himself for whatever it contained. The familiar handwriting almost brought him to tears without even taking in a word, but he smoothed out the creases and began to read.

“Wonwoo, if you’re reading this I guess that means I died…I wouldn't have given it to you otherwise. I'm this because I know it's coming, I know what will happen eventually and I want to be ready when it does. I want to be able to say goodbye here in case I can't in person. 

By now you know what's wrong with me, and how I’ve been sick for pretty much my entire life. I always pushed people away and refused to make friends or get into relationships because I knew all I would do was break their heart, and I couldn’t bear that. It was different with you. 

As soon as I met you I knew I needed to stop, to get away as quickly as I could, because as soon as I let myself go I would be lost. Why were you so wonderful and lovable? Why did you just come into my life quietly and wreck everything that I had built to keep people out for so many years? Why did I let you? 

The answer is that I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved before. All I want to do is make you smile and laugh, to make you feel the same way about me. I want to take you around the world and forget all of the things that are wrong with me, to just run away from everything with you and stay forever.”

Wonwoo put down the letter to drag a hand over his eyes, he wasn’t sure if he could make it to the end, but he knew he had to finish Mingyu’s last words to him.

“I know it’s not possible though, that’s why I did what I did. When you asked me what we were, I knew what I wanted us to be, but I love you too much to break your heart like that. I tried to stay away, but all I could think about was you. I told myself that I was OK without you, that I could make it alone and slip away without anyone there to hold my hand. When I saw you at that bookstore it all crumbled, and I knew then that it was a lie.

I wasn’t OK. 

I was broken and I needed you. I let myself be selfish and fell in love with you all over again but I know that I’m getting worse and that I should tell you so that I won’t shatter you like I know it will if I keep this to myself. 

I know now that you are half of me, and how can I live without that half? 

I can’t. 

I’m sorry that I never told you and prepared you for what is going to happen, please don’t be too angry at me for that. 

I would like you to do me a favor. I need you to be OK, one of has to. It can't be me, but it can be you. 

You need to move on from me and forget all of the heartache that I’ve put you through, can you do that for me? 

Find someone who won’t break your heart and be happy with them. 

I will always love you with everything that I have, even my sick lungs.”

Wonwoo laughed wetly, of course Mingyu would make a joke even when he was dying, trying to make him laugh until the end.

At the bottom of the page was a final sentence,

“You’re OK.”

That was all it took for Wonwoo to break down. Mingyu wanted him to be OK without him and to move on as if he had never existed. He knew he couldn’t do that, he would never be the same without his other half. 

The paper fell from his fingers and he sobbed on the floor. 

 

Wonwoo jerks awake, gasping. He tries to hold onto the dream, but it’s slipping away. He had been on a ledge, watching as the sun was got farther away, and screaming for it to come back.

He clenches the hand that had been relaxed in the sand and tries to hold back the tears, lying there as his chest heaves with regret. He lets go and his tears fall silently on the empty beach, with no one to see them. There was nothing there anymore, he would never be there again. 

He feels cold metal in hand and as he opens it a necklace fell to the ground, the necklace he had given to Mingyu with his own ring next to it on the chain. He remembers the happiness that had lit up Mingyu’s face when he received it, and he smiles at the memory of a happier time when the pain that now filled is heart was unthinkable. The smile melts off of his face as he looks up at the sky. 

He needs to say it. The three word that he had been keeping inside for too long.

 

“I’m not OK”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I know they released the song a while ago, but I took my time with it and tried to write something that I could be proud of  
> I'm considering writing another story set in this same universe, so let me know if you would be interested in that~


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